xbdzn's Xanga

It's 6 am this time.

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 10:05:43 GMT

So this time it's 6 but it's not cold, it is rainy. What am I doing up? Well, 30 minutes ago I just finished three layouts for a magazine. It took me about 3 hours? Not an hour each for one layout but more like 2 hours of deciding what design I want first and the search for a good Hi-Res image. Then, the last hour fixing stuff. Fun stuff. A reason why I do not want to get into the real deal. All these hours having my mind explode will drive me crazy one day. Well, I think I already am but I will definitely be certified as mentally crazy before the age of 30. That is, if I do get into designing.

It was the first area I was interested in going into High School and had decided to be an art major than the business major I am now. I am still not quite sure if business is really for me. Maybe I'll get my double minor with something as a major. I do not know. I should really use our campus resources like everyone has been saying. Just too lazy to walk 5 minutes to the bus stop, then a 10 minute ride to school on the bus, then another 10 minutes of walking. Nope, not worth it unless I am already on campus doing pointless thing. My laziness never fails me to do nothing.

Oh, the weather has been random lately. So last entry I was complaining how it was below 30 degrees I believe. And now, it is 66 at night and high 70s during the day. Fun stuff, cold to hot, hot to cold, this is why people are sick on this campus.

I had another topic on my mind but it slipped and ran away. Ah, maybe it will be a short entry for tonight. I shall snooze now and hope insomnia hasn't caught up with my brain.

Randomness of today: I am looking for awesome urban city posters for my room.

It's 5 AM & It's Cold

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 09:49:00 GMT

Joanie Ming: doesn't think the weather got the memo that it's not supposed to ever be below 70° in Florida.

According to the weather, it is 24°F right now in Gainesville. Crazy weather has made me wore layers upon layers indoors and outdoors. It doesn't help with the fact of me being sick.

But what does it have to do with me being awake at 5 in the morning.. nothing. I'm just awake. Awake, toasty, and hungry. Oh, and at peace with my Panasonic Headphones streaming Capsule's Sugarless Girl. I have been listening to the same song for the past 3+ hours. I like it. It's been awhile since I have tapped into Asian Entertainment but when I do, it always satisfies.

So, it's 5 am, for the third time, I thought I'd write a post since I have not in a long time. I'm always reading blogs now but never updating my own. I think my time of blogging has come to an end to an extent. I used to use this blog because I had no one in person to share my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. So in the past, I turned to the wonderful world of the internet with its utilities of blogging sites to express whatever I had in stored. For awhile, I have thought to move to different blogging site. Maybe I still will later on but for now, I'll just stick to Xanga. I don't think I can delete this account. I had thought of delete it but has never come near it. I deleted my previous account. I do not know why because now I regret it. My previous one was during Middle School and this one written mostly during High School.
I guess it's a phase.

I realize I go through a lot of phases whether it's my interests, hobbies, ideas, and even being me. I can say I've changed a lot over the years. Well, maybe the right word is mature. (Is it ma-chure or ma-tour?) Yes, I have mature though I don't feel any different in a few aspects of life. I'm still alone, doing my own thing without seeking the help from others. That hasn't changed. I don't think it will change either.

The other day, awhile ago, a friend told me that I don't come to her as much as I should. I don't give her the chance to help me or be there for me. She then had an input of it's not the fact I have boyfriend either. I guess she's half right and half wrong. I don't go to anyone for help, maybe the petty things but nothing that will have an affect in my life. Half wrong, because I do go to the boyfriend most of the time when I need help on something. He's the first person I think of. Is it wrong of me to do so? I don't believe so. I like to be someone that others can rely on but it's hard for me to rely on another person. It's not that I don't have the trust or faith in them, I just do things differently than most. If I can accomplish a task in a short period of time, I expect the person I'd turn to perform the same task in the same time. It's harsh but it's me. I guess that is why I don't like group work unless I know my group or partners can do better than me or the same level.

Just some thoughts to put out. Other than that, most things are the same. I'm still living. My mom is still suffering from her problems. School is going to stay as is, school. Oh, Chinese New Year is coming up. That's something I'm looking forward to actually. I wonder will I get any red pocket money this year. I'm still unmarried. Hehe!

As for my relationship, it's going as well as ever! I think this is the first relationship where I felt the feelings for each other was mutual since the beginning. Even before the beginning actually. It was confirmed we both really like each other at the same amount before deciding to really try this long distance relationship. It's been 8 months and 9 days! We've gotten into few fights here and there but nothing too serious. And, we're crazy.. for each other. I don't know where it would lead to but hopefully great and wondrous things! I hope our plan for next year will pull through.

As usual:

Randomness of today: Burger King has its own body spray for $3.99!

Food for thought

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 21:24:37 GMT

Things that should be given/provided in a relationship:

1. An ear, a hand, a shoulder, a hug, and a kiss.
2. An eye, a mouth, a brain, and a heart.
3. An arm and a leg.

An ear to listen.
A hand to help.
A shoulder to lean on.
A hug for security and warmth.
A kiss for escapism.

An eye to see for knowing/realizing things.
A mouth to talk and compromise.
A brain to think and make choices.
A heart to care and love.

An arm to defend.
A leg for sacrifice.

Miss Indenpendent

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 02:24:08 GMT

I'm getting really tired of that song. It's weird, I somehow remember the lyrics to the songs I dislike most easily. And for the ones I try and try to remember, doesn't work. Whatever. I'm starting to get into John Legend songs too.

"Give me that green light. Give me just one night. "

Argh, the song is on the radio again for like the millionth time. I wish 10pm would just come right now so I can listen to the Power Love Hour. Only thing that's keeping me from turning off the radio.

Anyways, so this Twilight hype. I did not get into it. I haven't read the books but I did watch the movie last night. I always try not to get into the hype but always end up dropping in to see what it is all about. My overall thoughts on the movie:

I can feel that the story is rushed without reading the book.
The acting is okay. Not the best, not the worst.
Story is good however and it is why I decided to read the series now.

Hmm... guess I am in the hype now. It's cool though.

Back to the title of this entry, "Miss Independent". I realized something over the past few days and wanted to let it out. Specifically towards someone but I rather just let it out in writing.

So most friends or who knows me know that I am independent since I was young. I don't like relying on people. I always solve problems on my own before my stubborn self realize I need outside help. Yadda Yadda Yadda. And oh, with this whole college thing, adds more to it. Ever since I moved outside my mom's house, I don't feel any different. I still feel as if I lived with my mother except the home cooked meals and nagging. I'm not homesick. I miss Malaysia though but that's always in me. It's sad to say but I don't miss my mother. This past Turkey Break, I went home and barely saw my mother. However, I am glad that she was happy on Turkey Day as we spent the night by the beach enjoying our $90 dinner for two. Awesome.

So what about this independence. This independence I guess has taken its toll. Now that it is known, I do feel lonely. I wish life is easier and people would understand others just as easy. But life is life, it is unfair and stubborn and hard. Sometimes I would make life easier on myself but that's never going to happen. I somehow always involuntarily volunteer for things. Then I can't back out because I don't want to let people down. I like people to know they can always rely on me but then I always think I can rely on them just as good and get disappointed. I seriously think moving to the forest or an abandon island and live by myself would make me satisfy. But that's a lie on its own.

I like people caring and worry about me. I like to get attention from certain people but never seems like I can to the amount I like. I don't crave attention but sometimes knowing that someone does care about you in that way is pleasing. I don't always crave it either, so is it that hard? So living by myself on an island or the forest won't work. I should get a dog. There's a joke I read somewhere. It is quite interesting. If you lock your girlfriend/boyfriend and a dog in your trunk, then open it few hours later. Who is happier to see you? First thing that comes to my mind is the dog of course. I don't think anyone or animal would like to be locked in the car trunk for a few hours or even a minute but if it was to happen. I'd imagine the human being would start to scream vulgarity while the dog will lick your face happily. Unless, the world is turned inside out and turned upside down, then excuse my assumptions.

I think that's my solution. Get myself a dog and go live in the forest by myself. Now all I have to do is to choose a forest or deserted island. Awesome plan.

Ahh.. this wasn't how I wanted my entry wanted to go but it is. Whatever.

Randomess of today: I was excited for this holiday season but now I am not so sure anymore.

Thoughts

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 01:01:30 GMT

Ever since I was young, I've always liked guys within my race and outside my race but I never pictured myself being with someone outside my race. Little did I know, I was snatched by my Brazilian boyfriend of two years in the beginning of my Sophomore year in High School. Unfortunately, my heart got broken and shattered in the middle of the two years. So that was that. Then a couple of months later, my Brazilian boyfriend of now and I got together. I stalked him for quite a while back in High School. Guess the outcome of that was positive results.

But, that's not the main topic for this entry. I realized something today why some people doesn't believe interracial relationships will work. Well, it may work but there are always kinks in the way. That's what a relationship is for though right? Stay together, make compromises, and make it work.

So with the first interracial relationship I had, I never really hung out with a group of friends of his that are very different from us. By that I mean cultures, language barriers, personalities, etc... His friends were practically my friends. So hanging out together wasn't really a big problem. When it came to holidays, I didn't really have to worry or be uncomfortable in a situation where I have to celebrate it with his family. One, they don't really celebrate anything besides Weddings and Baby Showers. Two, if they were to celebrate with family, there were no awkward situations felt from my point of view.

Now moving onto the present. Thanksgiving is coming up and so are the other holidays that follow. I'd love to spend it with my boyfriend's family but I do have my mom here to spend it with. However, sometimes my mom may be working on the day of, her boss is a jerk. Luckily, she got the Thanksgiving off. But I did think about what if my mom was working on the day of. I don't really like to be home by my lonesome on a day where it should be celebrate with family. I was invited to spend it with my boyfriend's family and their friends. I don't mind it but I don't like to be in uncomfortable places. I hung out with his family friends before once, it wasn't bad as he was always by myself not to make me feel awkward. But, I hate being in the situation where I'm holding him back to have fun with them. I am not a very social person but I am trying. I don't like to embarrass myself in front of strangers and getting made fun of when I'm not really comfortable with them. I wouldn't mind as much if I knew them well enough. Yes, friends of mine, make fun of me all you want, but remember, "What comes around goes around."

So.. after that being said. This kind of let me concur on my own that why interracial relationships will have its kinks. When two different families come together, especially when they may have different cultures, moral beliefs/values and etc, they will clash. Well, even without the racial barrier, I think same racial in-laws have problems too. For what? The benefits and protection of their own son/daughter. Anyways.. point is, well, I kind of forgot what my point is.

That being said and done. College life! It is chill. I go to class whenever I please.. well, it was the same too in High School but more freedom here. I don't know what's the College hype about. Freedom, parties, etc. The freedom I have now is the same kind of freedom I had back home ever since Middle School. Parties, I never really liked parties and most college parties here are all about alcohol most of the time. I do not think you need alcohol to have fun and I also realized, I really hate the feeling of being drunk. Tipsy is okay but being drunk, no way. Never been to wasted mode but it is okay. Etc... yes there are more things to do on campus but that's if my lazy butt would get up and get out more. Maybe that's why I'm not seeing the college hype. I do attend events and activities. Heck, I danced my freezing butt off for a good month for a show last Tuesday.

I do like College though. I do feel that I am really independent now. I can finally see how and why I am. I was always told that I am but I never really felt it till now. I pay my own bills, solve my own problems, cook for myself and my boyfriend when he visits, and etc. I'm really proud that I cook now more than anything. I'm excited to go back this Thanksgiving break to learn how to make a few of my mom's recipes; her fried shrimp and stuffed portobello mushrooms. Getting hungry just thinking of it.

On another note, we've been together for half a year already. It's crazy when I think about it. I went from crushing on him, to like him, to stalk him, to actually being with him. There are many things I wish we could've done differently back in High School. But when I think about it, we would be so attached to each other as we are now if it was done the way we wanted it to be done? Long distance relationships are hard. This is my second long distance but this is more real than the first one. And I love the feeling that whenever we are together again, it felt like we've never been separated. It's an awesome feeling.

Randomness of today: I made Fried Rice!

Class of 2008

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 20:03:15 GMT

Congrats to all the graduates!

Another Chapter Closed

Wed, 28 May 2008 17:41:14 GMT

High School is finally over.. my thoughts?

It sucks.

Ever since last year when the '07 seniors left, the '08 students cheered, "YAY! We're seniors." Me being the anti-whatever one said.. "Life sucks.." I think ever since I entered High School, I had the urge of never wanting to grow up.. I still do.

So yesterday was our last day at school. It hasn't hit me in the head that it was and I'm thinking that it will in the most unwanted time. Example, graduation. I hate to cry in front of people but when it's coming.. can't stop but to let it come out. It sucks.

I will miss my crazy High School circle of friends. I know I said, "KIT" but I think only a few friendship will keep going after this summer is over.

So many things I wish at the moment will change but.. life throws things at you from nowhere and you'll just have to cope. I'm coping.. slowly but surely.

Anyways, '08 seniors! Congrats to you all..!

Randomness of today: It's been awhile since I've slept for 12 hours.

Life moves on..

Tue, 13 May 2008 23:04:44 GMT

.. and so have I.

May 12th, 2008,

A new life has sprung in front of me and I approached it with smiles. Smiles that were never-ending even until now.

I hope these smiles will never stop coming for as long as possible. And if it shall, life will still go on...

Ayn Rand's Philosophy

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 07:17:05 GMT

We've been reading this novel called "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand. All the books she wrote has a purpose of spreading her philosophy to the readers. Some of the things in her book are hypocritical to her philosophy, Objectivism. This is the second book we've read from her. The first one was a novella called "The Anthem". "The Anthem" was a good, short read unlike this current novel. I understood the first one more but Fountainhead is just more confusing as I'm reading it. In Anthem, the objective was for the readers to know about Individualism, Rand's big thing. Anyways.. not to blog all about her philosophy today.

Just now checking a few things on the internet, I realized I'm somewhat like the characters in Fountainhead, Dominique, Howard, and Gail. At one point or another, if they see something they like/love, they wish to keep it to themselves even to the extent of breaking such item. There was a part in the story where Dominique went to a museum in Europe, bought a museum piece, came home, and broke it just so no one else can see it ever again. It's crazy thinking about what she did but right now I'm having the exact feeling. Well, this isn't the first time I'm having this feeling.

It's weird. I kid about following about Rand's philosophy for a while now but how will I start. Objectivism is so complex that I don't really think any one can follow it to the extreme. If there was a person like that I'd sure like to meet him/her but I know for a fact that he/she will not want to because it brings them no advantage. Her philosophy makes a person sound conceited in our raised ideals but it does make sense in the end.

Anyways... I'm just jumping from one topic to another now.
I got my hair braided last saturday.. I think I will get it braided again whenever I can. I just wish that my hair won't get oily as fast because I can only leave it in for as long as 3 days. Last time was 5 days. A miracle how I kept it for 5 days but whatever.

I like it

Anyways.. things have been crazy lately. This 700 page novel needs to be finish, our dance is to be performed in less than a week.. blah blah blah. I can't wait until April is over. Then again, it's another craziness of studying for AP tests and getting ready for the summer. Oh, prom. I'm looking forward to that. Need to find meself a dress as soon as possible. Holy crap it's in less than 30 days. I don't think my Aunt will have time to make one for me though. Humm.. we'll have to see.

Lalalalala~ It's 4 something in the morning and I'm still up. It's gon be payback time when I go to work later on today. Ugh. Maybe I should go read my book and fall asleep now.

Randomness of today: I have an urge to bite someone.

University of Florida

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 23:15:15 GMT

So I have finally chosen and settled down with the choice of going to UF. It was my original first choice until it was changed to FSU. Now it's whatever. I drove up with my mom this past Sunday morning so we can find housing for my new roommate and me. We were lucky to find somewhere we both like and in that short amount of time. I didn't get to really visit campus but that will change soon since I have to go to the mandatory orientation in a two months or so.

Right now, or then when I was driving up, I don't think I can ever drive up alone. I know I'll have to but it's so crazy! I went on long trips before but never drove on one till now. How amazingly boring and scary it is. Just thinking about it at the moment is making me cringe.

Anyways, everyone said that Gainesville was a "redneck" town. Very boring and rural. I never believed it till I got off the exit. Holy crap! Is boring-er than the village I grew up in. At least it was hustling and bustling in the village but this.. I don't know.. maybe we went out at the wrong time. I can't really complain now though. I've already click the little button where it says, "pay your enrollment deposit." I have a roommate who depends on me to share half our rent. I have the money to go.. so even if I'm not happy with it at the moment. I will adapt like I always have.

The other day Kimmy! and I was talking. She wondered why I chose Gainesville and asked if I really like it there. My answer was, "College is college. I got the money to go, a place to stay, and is one of the best colleges in Florida." She never really liked UF. She liked FSU better. I didn't even visit FSU to see which one I like better. My original plan was to visit both and then decide. At the moment, it's whatever. Worry free for both my mom and me. Like I said, can't complain now. Everything is final.

But now, I am scare. I am scare to go out alone. I know I'll be fine once it starts. Just before typing this entry, I got the shivers and butterflies to have to think living four hours away from home. I lived across the country once but this time is more scary. In PLU, you had the Fa Shi's to help you. Here, well.. you have help to but an unfamiliar kind of help. I don't know. My feelings got distracted from this topic when I started reading other blogs.

Anyways, my mom was thinking of moving up with me. Then her friends said that you won't make any money up there. So she decided against her original idea. After visiting, the idea revisited. I won't mind having her living with me. I would love to have her by my side but then I won't learn how to worry about the real deals of life.

The real deals of life has already started to hit me. I'm worrying about not having enough money, worrying about this going broken and that not being able to work. I worry more for my mom than anything. I really wish I would step up and help her.

Anyways... time to start some homework...

Go Gators! ha... such spirit.

Randomness of today: Read this blog. It's cutesy and reminds me of the good days.